Thanks Suzie McNeil, I'm Ready. Hello 2008.

One minute's fading
One minute's past
But I've got this moment
To make it all last
I'm standing before you
Taking my chance on
Everything I never thought that I could be
Cuz you can do almost anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

It's like I'm falling through my own fears
They used to haunt me, but now they're not here
There's no looking back, my future is clear
No giving up
And I'm holding on when it gets rough
Cuz you can get through most anything

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget
If you just believe

No one says it's easy
And no one says you have to be perfect
But as long as you try
You're always gonna find
It was worth it

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
The higher you climb
The better it gets
Cuz you will see things
You'll never forget

If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams
If you just believe
You can move mountains with dreams

Suffer the Little Children

I am supposed to be taking a nap. I am tired, but my mind keeps wondering all over the place and I cant make myself fall asleep. Go figure. I talked to Alex last night, she called to thank me for the Christmas presents. I was happily surprised that she called. Alex never says thank you (that's her only fault...smile). She is away at her dads house for the holidays and she said that she was having a good time. Now that was a surprise. She never says she has fun when she goes there. Actually, she doesn't say much about him at all.

Our conversation wasn't a long one. She told me that she got a lot of clothes for Christmas (which she needed), however none of the items were her taste (duh), so she was taking everything back to the stores to exchange them for other (more stylish) things. Alex cracked me up because she said, "You know my mom got me this sweater and I swore that when I opened the box the sweater moved. That bad boy was alive!" Yeah, the clothing is just another example that her mom doesn't have the best taste or judgement for that matter.

We chatted for a few more minutes and I asked her if she wanted to take (what is becoming a ritual for us) another trip to NYC to see a show. It looks like it will be The Little Mermaid and it looks like we will hit the road during her Spring Break.

Alex has grown on me over the past 16 years of her life. She entered this world as an "oops". Neither her mother or her father (for that matter) wanted her here. Alex was one of those inconvenient truths. God, I can remember all the drama all those years ago when it got all over campus that Alex would be arriving in "9 months". People were only interested in Alex's impending arrival because paternity was an issue.

Over the years, I have watched Alex grow into someone that is wise beyond her years (OK, and we wont even go there about her book smarts. Let's just say, the world better watch out). She has definitely embodied the old saying, "take life's lemons and make lemonade." When she was little, she lived in a homeless shelter with her mother. She has been the recipient of numerous charities. She has spent a large portion of her formative years believing that people had to call you and threaten you before you were supposed to pay your bills. She has been the proverbial rose in front of the prison door. She has thrived, even though her circumstances and examples (almost all her mother) haven't been the best.

What I am struck by is that she has remained positive. She has remained calm. Always. She observes situations like only a giant cat would (literally...she has very light brown eyes) and then makes decisions that would make most adults would shudder. She is a thinker. I know that she will have an enormous impact on this world. It is almost impossible that she wouldn't.

Although Alex's mom and I haven't spoken in 2 years (that story will be my first screenplay, I promise). I am glad that she knocked on my door all those years ago and let it out that Alex was coming. Who knew that when Alex made her entrance into the world all those years ago that I would come to love her so. I guess life is strange that way.

Readers Are Writers and Writers are Readers

I hear that all them time. I say it to my students when I want to sound sophisticated and deep. But you know what? It is true. I just finished the most amazing first novel by writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie called Purple Hibiscus. The story is told by 14 year old Kimbali who is raised in a strict and abusive Catholic home by her tyrannical father. Kimbali lives in Nigeria and struggles to live a life where the old ways of life have been disregarded for the new order . She struggles with the religious and the pagan. It isn't until she goes for a visit to her aunty's house that she realizes that there is another way to live.

Kimbali struggles to find a the balance between the old and the new. She struggles to find the balance between the love she has for her father and the hatred and confusion she feels for the life of physical and emotional abuse she suffers at his hands.

I guess I found Kimbali's story so engrossing because so much of her story is my story. Yeah, I know she is Nigerian and I'm Jamerican, but you know what I mean. I too can identify with growing up "stuck" between two worlds. I can identify with being confused by the contradictions of the "pentecostal holy rollers" life and the life I had at home once the preacher said amen. I know what it is like growing up being told that everthing good I did was because I was a "Jamaican child growing up in America" and at the same time being spanked for all the bad things because I forgot that I was a "Jamaican child growing up in America". In so many ways my mom and dad were Kimbali's father.

It was refreshing to read the novel because ALL of the characters have skin like mine. They use words that I too use in my daily life. I know the foods that they eat (man I could eat some Jalaf Rice right now). It is nice to read a story about people like me: characters that are educated and smart. Characters that make points that are poignant. It is nice to see characters with my skin color struggle with the same issues that I do. It is nice to see characters that speak with eloquence and grace. It is refreshing that Adechie found it OK to tell her people's (and in a way, my people's) story. I hope that someone will be proud of me like I am proud of her when I tell my story.

I'm going to Google her. I hope she has written something else.

Christmas Day 2007

People who know me know that I deplore Christmas. I hate it like I hate the cellulite on my ass. I hate it like I hate cold french fries. I hate it like I hate snow. So you get that I hate Christmas, right? I guess it is all the 'have get presents'. Maybe it is all the "cheer" that seems to appear only during the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, but is absent for the rest of the year. I guess it is all the build up to "make the day magical" or whatever idiot feeling advertisers are selling the particular year. Maybe it is the fact that I have to spend all day with my immediate family, while secretly waiting for the "shoe to drop".

Today (you cant see, but I just knocked on my wood and glass coffee table) the shoe didn't drop. No really. I made the trek to my aunts house for breakfast, which turned into lunch and then finally dinner. I just sat around and chatted with my cousins, just like we used to when we were kids, before people got married, divorced, had kids, got jobs, got raises, purchased houses and got their own lives. No presents, no pomp and circumstance. Just us, food, laughter, and connection.

We shared the latest family gossip. We endured my father's "stories and deep revelations" (all told and listened to before, but accepted as "brand new" by all of us). We shared what was new in our lives since the last time we talked (we had A LOT to share). We each bounced around the ideas we had in mind for the directions our individual lives might take in the new year.

I was reminded of a bunch today, I am not sure how or why I forgot:

1. My aunt is a much better cook than my mom and dad (or me for that matter).
2. My cousin Michelle is mad talented, but she took time out to remind us all that we were just as talented as she was.
3. My cousin Amanda can bake and should really consider opening some sort of business. However she needs to know that I won't patronize her personally because I'd be fat again.
4. My father is a simple man, but he makes things more complicated than they need to be. He doesn't mean to but.... (this is another blog entry).
5. My entire family is "mad" funny (in all the ways you think mad), but we are also very fortunate and very blessed.
6. I don't hate Christmas (this year) as much as I thought I did.
7. My cousin Pebble's daughter is really very skinny, but then again so was her mother.
8. I can do whatever I dream that I can do. I was reminded of that while eating vegetable dip.
9. The name of the "funk" my mother has around this time every year is called Seasonal Depressive Disorder (or something like that).
10. Things don't have to be big to be the best. Today was indeed a great example.

HOW COOL IS ALL OF THAT?!? Very.

15-20 Pages...

Is becoming more overwhelming than I could ever imagine. "15-20 pages of prose (fiction or literary non-fiction) sent directly to the program director." That is the only direction I have been given by the Graduate Admissions Department at The University of Baltimore (UB). Really, I could go at least a half dozen ways with those parameters. I've decided to apply to the MFA program at UB. Yes, I am nuts, I am going back to school (that is after I swore that academia wouldn't see me again after the last experience). Filling out the application wasn't all bad. Asking for (and receiving) glowing recommendation letters was easy (I mean everyone "loves" me...laugh). Requesting all of those transcripts from every school that ever saw me was annoying, but I plowed through. I even wrote and mailed the Statement of Interest with relative ease. But this 15-20 pages is just....uggggg!

So, I've pulled out some old stuff. I have printed things that are on the computer and various flash drives. All of the samples are all over the house and I am sure it is a fire hazard. I have read everything (at least 3 times) and still have no idea what to send.

I called the program director's office (under an assumed name. Sorry, but I don't want the people to know that I am anal and a dork). I asked the woman that answered the phone for some direction on what I should send, thinking that maybe I could get a clue from her response on what the Selection Committee may be looking for. She responded, "Send us what you want us to see. Send us what you think represents who you are as a writer." What the hell kinda answer is that? Talk about the non-answer answer.

Well what can I do? That was the lady's answer. Send what represents me as a writer.

After letting her non-answer answer simmer for a while, I actually have two other questions that I wished I had come up with back in November when I decided to apply to this program. One, what kind of writer am I? Two, what writing have I done that represents what I say is the answer to number 1?

All I know is that I better come up with an answer soon. My writing samples are due to UB by February 1.

The Biggest Loser

So I am going to admit that I am officially on the bandwagon. When the series first started, I was like...what? There isn't much that tv hadn't tried. I thought that tv had reached another low. But here I am watching this season's finale and I am amazed and inspired. As someone who struggles with my weight and body image, watching these people put themselves out there and do it in front of the world is inspiring. They let me know that if they can do...I am not alone. They let me know that I can do it too.

Now of course the naysayers are going to say, "Of course, they lost the weight. They went to a spa, they were at The Biggest Loser Campus, they had trainers." I thought like that at first. But I was missing the point. The trainers, the diet, and the workouts were there to teach us three things:

• Believe. During the promos for the show, they play the song Believe by Suzie McNeil. People who are overweight sometimes don't believe that they can take the weight off and keep it off.
• Sustained weight loss is hard. You have to work at it.
• There is no magic bullet to weight loss. Their is no pill. It all boils down to healthy eating and exercise.

I know I don't have the courage to appear on The Biggest Loser, but I can definitely carry the spirit of all of those contestants with me. I just added Believe to my workout playlist.

Next season to begin in January will feature couples....I'll definately will be watching.

(http://www.nbc.com/The_Biggest_Loser/)

Body Combat

I tried it yesterday. OMG! My arms are hurting from the arm work. The workout is advertised as:

• BODYCOMBAT™ is a non-combat, martial arts-based fitness program with moves drawn from Karate, Tae Kwan Do, Kung Fu, kickboxing, Muay Thai and Tai Chi. Each 55-minute BODYCOMBAT™ class is choreographed to 10 tracks of the latest music, providing an exhilarating exercise experience that delivers ultra-fast fitness results.

So I thought, "How bad can 55 minutes be?" I mean I cycle for 2 hours on Sundays. I do the Treadclimber for 60 minutes on the maximum speed of 4.0. I can handle it, right? How could I have been so wrong. A little girl with a tie around her head ran the class. She reminded me of that teacher guy from the Karate Kid. Half way through the class, I was almost in tears (literally).

During the class, we were given the instructions to "visulize the opponent" to "focus on the opponent" and "to fight to the death." I focused on beating my boss into a pulp. The visualizing seem to help alot. I was washing with sweat.

This class if definately for someone who needs some variety. It is for someone that has A LOT of energy to burn. For someone that wants to beat someone to death, but is afraid of going to jail.

After the class the Mr. Miaggi instructor asked me if I was coming back. Well since I need to work on my round house kick...I'll be back.

(http://www.lesmills.com/midatlantic/en/members/bodycombat/bodycombat-group-fitness-program.aspx)

It's A Wonderful Life

I love that movie. I've watched it two times a year every year for the last 15 years and I never get tired of it. I guess I could tape it or buy the DVD, but there is something about watching it on tv (commercials and all). Goerge Bailey had so many lessons to learn and through the power of prayer, he learned them all.

"Buffalo Gal will you come out

will you come out tonight

will you come out tonight

Buffalo Gal will you come out tonight

and dance by the light of the moon."

George had the best plans to travel the globe and to build big things. He was on the first train out of Bedford Falls. George thought he had to travel the globe to do something wonderful with his life. What he didnt know is that God had his life all mapped out for him and that his life was wonderful as God had written it. George had to come close to losing all that he had to realize the beauty and grace of what he had right in front of him.

I can relate though to Georges feelings whenever he heard the toot of a train engine. How it made him fill with longing and regret of dreams never realized. It happens to me more and more these days. I know that is why I have started to write again. I need to see where this takes me. It may not take me anywhere, but I need to follow this path until it ends.

There was something about good old Bedford Falls. Yup, there is something about home.

I Feel Good

It is 10pm and I just got back from the gym. Yeah, I had put it off yesterday and the day before, so it was due time. I did 1 hour on the eliptical machine and listened to Daughtry (http://www.daughtryofficial.com/). Man, that is a really great album! I've never watched an episode of American Idol, so I never saw Chris on the show. I like the raw and raspy sound of his voice. The last 20 minutes of my workout I replayed Home over and over again. That song really speaks to me. I might have to make that song my anthem. I really understand when he says,

"i'm going home, to the place where i belong

where your love has always been enough for me

i'm not running from, you know i think you got me all wrong

i don't regret this life i chose for me.

but these places and these faces are getting old

i'm going home."

At work today one of my coworkers asked me something that I found rather curious. She asked, "Have you ever felt like you teach because you're afraid to be doing something else?" My co-worker wasn't asking me because she was really interested in my answer. She was asking me so that I could validate some emotion that she was experiencing. But her question reached the deepest regions of my gutt. She said, outloud, what I haven't had the nerve to say to myself for the longest time. Don't get me wrong, teaching isn't bad and I don't regret one moment of my experiences so far. Afterall, it is those experiences that have gotten me to this moment and this place in my life. But even with all of that being said...these places and these faces are getting old.

Just so you know

It's Sunday afternoon and I have just written and addressed all my holiday cards. After licking all of the envelopes (yuk), it occurred to me that I will be throwing $25 out the window. I mean every single year, I go through the process of sending cards to the same group of people that I sent cards to the year before. I don't ever talk to them, not for any particular reason. I don't really know what is going on in their lives, but I send them cheer in an envelope, just to let them know I have "thought about them", and that I will think of them again....next year.

My epiphany about the $25 led me to another epiphany and then another. So on this gray afternoon (with the Green Bay vs. Raiders game playing in the background), I am going to let you in on some of them.

1. I really hate to exercise, but I do it because I am supposed to (you know, good for the heart, weight control, obese Americans, blah, blah). I like the way I feel once I am done though. Cycling and the Treadclimer are my favorites of exercise that I hate.

2. Dark chocolate is the best! I am so glad that I bought that case of 72% Cocoa Chocolate Assortment from Harry & David (http://www.harryanddavid.com/). Nothing else needs to be said about that.

3. Watching Football on TV isn't really that bad. I am not really sure why I used to complain about it in the past.

4. 60 Minutes' Andy Rooney is funny as hell.

5. I may actually be one of those statistics that are out there on black women and marriage. I am 36...not a prospect in sight. I mean I may actualy be alone for the rest of my life. Not sure if I am OK with that. I used to talk about it with one of my chic friends. Then she got married and said to me one day, "Just because you're not married, doesn't mean you are alone." I really could have punched her in her face that day. She came across as preachy and self righteous. I mean she use to understand before she became Mrs. Well I didn't deck her, but I haven't touched the topic with her again either.

6. I really love to travel. How I ever became a teacher (and a good one) is beyond me. I really should have forced the issue with the Foreign Service or mustered the courage to work for a cruise line. Or become that Tour Leader...in Europe. I have researched taking a volunteer vacation this upcoming summer. I will make my decision after the new year.

7. I am relieved that I haven't spoken to my parents this week. I call them The Vortex, as they suck all the energy out of me and I haven't become adult enough to tell them as much. I am sure that my relationship with them is totally dysfunctional and that one day I am going to regret one thing or another as it relates to them, but I just do not possess the mental or physical fortitude to deal with The Vortex right now. Sigh.

8. I am jealous of creative people. Yes, I have finally admitted it. Writers, designers, musicians, painters, actors, photographers, chefs, dancers. I am jealous of how they are able to dedicate themselves to their passion. Dedicate themselves to their craft. To see something when there is nothing and then...create.

9. I need a cleaning person. My house isn't a mess or anything, but keeping the house exactly the way I want it is A LOT of work.

10. I could win the $1,000,000 on The Amazing Race. No, I really could.

11. I really appreciate UPS, FedEx, and the USPS. Most of the trinkets in my house are here because of them. Having them around has made my life so much easier.

With that being said...I guess I should put all my cards in the mailbox. I must do my part in the cycle of mailing, shipping and delivery. I must give (or in this case mail) in order to receive.

What will I do?

What will I do when 30 Rock, Scrubs, & The Office goes off the air? I just needed to ask, as I am going to admit that I am addicted to those shows. The shows are smart and whitty. Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan are my favorites anyway, but they really work well together on the show. This is the last year for Scrubs. The horror! I am going to have to breakdown and actually join the rest of the human race and get a DVD player and buy the series.

People always ask, "what is so funny about 30 Rock?" They complain that The Office has no point. One of my students said, "Scrubs is just random." I guess they don't get it because these shows are what I call "smart" comedies. It isnt slap stick or gutter. They don't curse or beat each other up. These shows don't need to make fart sounds or crass jokes. These shows make me laugh each week at the hiccups in the human condition. They make me laugh, while giving me something to think about.

I re-watched last weeks episode of 30 Rock http://www.nbc.com/30_Rock/ tonight and Tracy (Tracy Morgan) had gotten involved with a youth baseball team. He was doing it as it was his way of "giving back". He brought his team to his job to show them around and they happen to run into Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin). Let's just say that Alex was moved that these kids didn't have the finest in baseball gear. He was appalled that the kids didn't play on real grass (even though they lived in NYC). Tracy tried to make his boss understand that he couldn't just "rescue" these poor kids, as the kids would see right through his act of "charity". Alex needed to understand that he couldn't discount the kids' personal feelings and values as it was the understanding of the kids that would help to build the bridge. It was in the understanding of the kids' values that would allow his help to be well received and appreciated. This bridge is how they would truly accept his charity. Of course, Jack wanted no part of Tracy's advice. Jack responded, "But of course I can push my values on these kids. And of course I'll be right. This is America for God's sake. We push our value system on other people all the time. It's what we do." He looked directly at the camera when he said it. I swear he was talking directly to me.

I laughed for the rest of the show (which is my official explanation as to why I needed to re-watch it).

A Kid Made Me Laugh Today

As a warm-up activity, I asked the kids in my creative writing class to write a 3 sentence blurb about what they noticed about the holiday season. Courtney H. wrote, "When I was younger, Thanksgiving and Christmas used to be 2 separate holidays. Now that I am older, I notice that Thanksgiving is just a dress rehearsal for Christmas. Christmas is just Thanksgiving with presents."

I've Been Transfixed...

with this entire Sean Taylor story. I'm not really a football fan. Really, I'm not a any kind of sports fan. I watch them, but that is about it. But since the story broke about the Redskin's Safety being shot and then later dying of his injuries; from an apparent burglary gone bad scenario, I just can't seem to get enough news about the whole thing.

Maybe, it is all of the out-pouring from the fans. Or, the fact that I live in the Washington, DC area, so I see & read the news. I mean, I will sadly admit that a young black man getting shot and killed is not really news to me. I mean hundreds of them die everyday. They die at the hands of other men, they die by the hands of the state, they get killed fighting in wars, they die in car crashes, they die from disease. Black men do death well.

But this Sean Taylor thing...he is different. It isn't his age (he's 24), that he had a family (a one year old daughter), it wasn't that he had issues with the law (not unusual, in my book). He made millions playing professional football. He was good at it. He was getting married (to the mother of his daughter). He was going back to school. He died defending his home. Maybe that is it. Maybe it is that he died doing something honorable - defending the home and family that he created with his own hard work. Yeah, that is what is tripping me out.

I was watching Jim Brown's report on NFL Today last Sunday. He was talking to a few of the players that seemed to know Sean the best. The players all talked about how the press had treated Sean unfairly in his death by referring to his criminal past. They were complaining that the insinuations that Sean's criminal past perhaps contributed to his death wasn't right. They attempted to paint Sean better. They talked about how he had matured. They talked about how he had become a man in the months before his death. They talked about his humbled demeanor. How he had let a $500,000 truck (a gift from someone) sit not driven for over a year in his parking space at the Redskin's workout facility. They did all the things that love ones do when they have lost someone they love. They recall the best. They recall the good. They recall the honorable. They try to get out the magnitude of the pain they feel. They try to comprehend what is incomprehensible.

During that interview, I heard Clinton Portis (in response to the negative press coverage and in defense of his slain team mate) utter 10 words that has left me speechless and deep in reflection. He asked, "What does the past have to do with right now?"

I wonder if someone should tell Clinton that the answer to his question is: everything.

OK, I've Done It!

I have finally started one of these things. These blog things. I will admit that it takes me a long time to do everything. Buy a car, get a watch, sign up for a gym membership, try a new restaurant, order a new kind of coffee drink. I can explain myself. You know how it goes... I need to contemplate, weigh the pro's and con's, get other people's opinions, weigh the pros and cons, observe, weigh the pros and cons, again?

Truthfully, I've been reading my cousin's BLOG for a while and then today a friend sent me the link to hers (it was amazing); so I've decided to take the plunge. I can do this, right?

Who knows what I'll talk about. I called it Musings. That would mean that I would have some sort of muse, right? In my case...that might be a bit inaccurate. I mean I can be swept away & absorbed in my own thought, I can get caught up in my own emotions. But a muse is also an inspiration. Don't think I have one of those. Or do I?

Anyway, for now I am just OK with posting whatever. To see what happens. To see the possibilities.